1x01 - Shovels Are For Digging
Shit, shit, shitty shit, [bleep].
Ah, Jesus titty [bleep]. Hello, sir. Excuse me?
[vibrating babble]
Do you have the time?
- 4:20. - Nice.
[bong bubbles]
Today, I was driving along in my car,
and by "car," I mean car-dboard box with wheels painted on it,
and I came across an old woman,
and she was carrying the most beautiful, shiny toaster
I had ever seen.
[bicycle horn honks]
So I stopped my car... ardboard box, I got out,
and I said, "excuse me, miss, that...
"that toaster is... is marvelous.
I-I was wondering if I could pay you for it."
And she said, "no, it's not for sale.
It's my toaster, I'm not selling it to anybody."
And I said, "miss, I implore you, I need that toaster.
It's... it's so beautiful.
I-I want to stick my genitalia in it."
And she said, "wha... whe... whi... eh!"
And I said, "oh, that... that wasn't...
"I don't think that was English or any type of human language.
I think you just barked like a dog."
And she said, "[babbling]."
And I said, "I don't know what you're saying,
"but I'm going to break your neck
if you don't give me that toaster, you [bleep] bitch."
And she was like, "[babbling]."
And then I murdered her.
I murdered her for that beautiful, shiny toaster,
and I [bleep] the shit out of it later that night.
I made that toaster my bitch.
[sobbing]
[phone ringing]
- Hello, Triptank. - [on phone] Hello.
I'm disturbed by your show, with the racism and the drugs
and the alcohol and the... and the magic mushrooms
and people having sex with animals.
- I can't abide by it. - Okay.
Why can't you talk about roses and the ocean instead?
Let me transfer you to that department.
- Hold, please. - What's up with all these
whiner, crybaby crusaders trying to tell Roy
what he can or cannot watch? God damn it, this is America.
If I want to watch a porno and then switch over
to the Teletubbies, then so be it. I will do it.
Don't you have work to do, or something?
I got me an idea for a cartoon.
- You want to hear all about it? - No.
We are gathered here today to join this man and woman
in holy matrimony. [clucks]
[crowd gasping and murmuring] What the hell?
Oh, no. That's my ex. [clucks]
It's over, chicken. I told you a million times, go!
[crowd gasps] Oh!
[clucking babble] He's gonna kill himself!
No! Wait. [clucking]
I love you.
[crowd sighs] As a friend.
[clucks] [crowd screaming]
- Whoa, hold up. - Oh, my god.
Honey, please, think before you talk.
Seriously, chicken, if you pull that trigger,
I will hate you forever, even your stupid memory!
Do you want that? [clucking]
You don't have to do this. You can be happy.
[crowd sighs in relief]
Just like I'm gonna be happy... with Nick here.
[angry clucking]
[crowd gasps] Do not light yourself on fire.
Oh, sweet cannoli!
Please, chicken, don't do this. [clucking]
I don't know how I could live without you.
[blows] [crowd sighs in relief]
[clucking] What? You just wanted
to hear me say that? This was a test?
[clucks] I am going to kill that chicken!
[chicken clucking]
Hey, bud, I've been thinking.
Are we killer bees or just regular bees?
Huh. I'm not sure.
Well, how do we find out? I feel like that's important.
[upbeat music]
[gunfire and people screaming]
So, um, how did that feel?
[drags on cigarette]
[exhales]
Meh.
- Nice ass. - Excuse me?
Oh. [laughs] You meant my donkey.
For a second there, I thought you were some kind of...
[moaning]
Ew! Gross! Ugh!
[moaning] Ew!
[phone ringing]
- You've reached Triptank. - Oh, god!
There's blood everywhere!
How do I get it out? How do I get it out?
Cold water, mild dish soap, light rinse. [phone ringing]
Triptank, how can I help you?
- Hello, is this Ben? - Maybe.
Ben, oh, my god, it's you! I knew it. I knew it was you.
Why did you run away all those years ago, Ben?
Was it because your father put his finger in you?
Did he stick his [bleep] in your mouth?
- Tell me now, I need to know. - Wait, I-I-I... I don't...
Please come back to me, and stop this nonsense on the telly.
Prepare yourselves, space travelers,
for the most awesome-tastic, fun-dorable adventure
of a lifetime, with your pal...
Me! I'm Ricky the Rocketship.
Oh, god damn it! I tore my achilles!
Hey, kids. [screaming]
All: Hey, Ricky!
I'm Ricky the Rocketship,
the happiest rocket ship on the planet. How would you kids like to
go on a fun space adventure to the Moon?
[all cheering]
Okay, let's go!
Uh, one, two, three, four, five...
I've only got room for six in here.
Oh! The rope!
The rest of you grab this rope and hold on tight.
Here we go!
[screaming]
Hope everyone's good back there. Moon, here we come.
Uh, Ricky, is there any oxygen in the main cabi... [coughs]
Oxy... what? There's no such thing.
I'm made of magic and science.
[all choking]
We're here. Welcome to the Moon!
Are you kids ready to play?
Oh, jippety skippety.
[coughs] [late show music]
It's late night with Boot [bleep] McGillicutty.
I'm your announcer, Jack Flannagan.
and now, your host, Boot [bleep] McGillicutty!
[cheers and applause] Ah, thank you.
Oh, yeah, you're too kind. Please sit!
Shit, shit, shit, shit. [censor bleeping]
[laughter] We have a great show today, huh, Jack? [giggles]
Oh, yes, Boot-[bleep], a real winner.
Let's get started with the jokes.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who?
Banana secret government testing facility!
[screams]
[both scream]
Ah! Like it!
[coughs]
[laughter and applause]
Here's something in the news: The White House announced plans
today to build a highway to the Moon.
When reached for comment, a spokesperson said...
[grunting and farting]
[laughs] Politics, huh, Jack?
They're all a bunch of crooks.
All right, folks, we have to take a quick break,
but stick around, we'll be right back.
[cheers and applause] Duh, duh, duh.
I'm walking, I'm walking, I'm walking!
[tires screeching] No.
[car horns honking] [bleep] You!
A-and... we're back. [cheering and late show music]
Yo, I recognize our next guest from the side of the bus.
Please welcome guy on the side of the bus.
Hi, Boot-[bleep], I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Buh-bye!
Don't forget me, Boot-[bleep].
Oh, hello, scrapey.
Oh, I just wanted to plug my new book,
the government is brainwashing you and you can't stop it!
Amen, brother. [cheers and applause]
Hands down, smartest building I know.
And now for a segment called "rat sex."
[cheers and applause] That's... that's... that's rat sex.
Rat... rat sex. Rat sex, rat sex, rat sex.
Come on, you little shits!
[cheers and applause]
- I invented that shit. - That's right, Boot-[bleep].
You're loved by everyone. Your father never molested you.
You're an a-plus winner! Isn't that right, folks?
[cheers and applause] [spraying paint can]
Everything is fine. Smart, great. [woman screaming]
[car horns honking] You're great, great.
Rat sex. [police siren wails]
- Don't forget about me. - Bye!
[incoherent nightmare voices echoing]
You're sick. You're gonna die.
[screaming and whimpering]
[snores]
And that's why you're not going to art school.
[phone ringing] Triptank.
[on phone] Talking to you is an insult to humanity.
Not all of us are living in comas, watching TV, bud.
The internet is science. I swear to god,
if you have prostitutes down there,
you have them call me before it's too late!
[phone ringing] Please hold.
Oh, god. Nothing happened. Everything's good.
Life is still magical.
Just be cool, Ricky, just be cool!
[sobbing] I'm not cool. Dead children are not cool!
[cartoon music]
[stomach grumbles]
Ow.
[humming cheerfully]
[evil laugh]
Oh, carrots.
No! [munching]
[grunts]
Ahh.
Huh?
Oh!
[grunts]
[evil laugh]
[chuckles]
[shudders]
[gasps]
Oh! Oh, god, help!
- I... - Please help me.
- Do something, do anything. - I'm... I'm really sorry.
[gasps] Oh, god, you're drooling!
Uh, no. I mean, I... it's... yes.
Oh, no, no!
- It's okay. - No, no, no!
God, I'm... I'm really sorry.
[whimpers] Ah!
[chomp]
[whispering] Okay. [shudders]
It's okay. It's okay. Everything is fine.
It's... it's... it's just gonna be all right.
[shuddering] Oh, god, what have I done?
No, it's fine. Everything is just...
Okay, it's okay.
Oh, my god, what...
No, it's fine. It's fine. Everything is okay.
I can deal with this.
[shuddering]
[stomach growling]
[cartoon music fanfare]
I just got the call. How's my son?
Yeah, your son was in a pretty bad car accident.
Please, just tell it to me straight, doc.
Oh, of course, pardon me.
Regarding your son, I fear I don't have any good news.
Oh, my god.
I mean, his organs are all [bleep], bro.
Just tell me, is my son gonna be okay?
Well, considering the state of his...
- Uh, what's it called? - I don't know.
Uh, that part of him that is mashed into bits,
unrecognizable mush...
What? I don't know, I haven't seen him.
Well, spoiler alert. [laughs]
- What's wrong with my son? - Mm, what is it?
Oh, his head... # shoulder, knees, and toes #
- # knees and toes # - What?
♪ head, shoulder, knees, and toes ♪ ♪ knees and toes ♪
- # and his eyes and his ears # - Oh, my god.
- # and his mouth and nose # - No!
♪ your son is just mush now ♪ [sobs]
♪ so g... make another boy ♪
[phone ringing] Hello, Triptank.
[on phone] Hi, this is Ricky the Rocketship.
When I said, "yes, you can do this sketch,"
I didn't mean that you can portray me
as a [bleep] homicidal killer. This is bullshit!
So you're saying you're having an issue now?
If I see that sketch anywhere on that show,
I'm coming down and beating the shit out of you
with an aluminum baseball bat. I'm starting at your head,
then working my way down to your ribcage,
and then your knees, your ankles. [fire engine siren blaring]
I'm not even gonna miss your baby [bleep] toe!
♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ the galactic council sent them ♪
All: # and here's the reason why #
♪ the mission is to study Earth's most average gu-uy ♪
- Ah! - All: # to see if humans #
♪ are worth saving or if everyone has to die ♪
Wait, what?
I see. Uh-huh. [phone beep]
[sobbing]
Looks like someone's got a case of "the frownsies."
It's not "the frownsies," okay?
My mom was just diagnosed with terminal cancer!
Oh, we can cure that, no problem.
For us, that's like the sniffles.
- Really? - You're in luck,
because our alien semen...
- Uh-huh. - Has these special enzymes
in it, and they'll fix your mom right up.
Oh, god. Okay, well, what do we do?
W-we put it in a pill, or something?
Gosh, you're bad at guessing, Jeff.
So... [coughs] how exactly does this work?
Okay, this is... this is gonna sound insane, mom,
but, uh, Chief Windfeather here...
- Hello. - He, uh, has special powers.
You know, like buffalo spirit, and stuff like that.
- Uh-huh. - But really,
to use these powers to their full potential,
he has to be very, very close to you...
inside of you actually, and, uh, you know,
what he's gonna do to you, it's gonna seem
a lot like sex, but it's not sex at all.
It's just an ancient, ancient therapy
that is guaranteed to work.
So what do you say, mom?
Well, it couldn't be worse than chemo.
[grunting]
[whispering] What is going on in there?
Huh, that is more stubborn than I thought it was gonna be,
- I'll be honest. - What does that mean?
Uh, how do I, uh...
Oh, a bowling ball has three holes in it, right?
- Yes. - Okay, so imagine
how hard it would be to bowl a good game
- with just one finger. - What's your point?
I need my other two fingers so we can give her
the full triple-injection treatment.
Guys!
[shuddering] Oh.
[all grunting]
Hmph! Guys, this is a mistake.
- I should've... - Good news, Jeff...
- No, great news! - We did it.
[laughing] Oh, thank god! That's amazing!
She'll never get canker sores again!
- What? - It's funny,
you guys think they're such a big deal. For us...
She didn't have canker sores, you [bleep] idiots!
She had cancer! Can-cer! [gasps]
Well, the only cure for that is the triple fist.
No!
[all humming] [ethereal vibration]
Ohh.
- Whoa. - Honey, it's me.
- How you feeling? - I feel amazing.
Wow! You guys are incredible.
Hey, listen, I got a bum hip.
You think you could work some of your magic on me sometime?
[polka music] # ah, ha ha ha ha ha #
♪ ah, ha ha ha ha ♪
- # ah, ha ha # - # hey, hey #
- # oh, ho ho # - # hey, hey #
[cheers and applause]
Let the tournament of fighting styles... begin!
[cheers and applause]
Round one.
Iron Shogun versus the Shadow Warrior.
[cheers and applause]
The Shadow Warrior.
[coughs]
- The shadow... - Where's the [bleep] Shadow Warrior?
- I don't know, he confirmed. - Ah, good, so you talked to him.
- Uh, email. - Email? You have to call.
[bleep]. Okay, okay, just switch the schedule around.
- Have him fight Zun-mai. - Zun-mai's not here.
Zun-mai's not here?
- Ugh! What about crocodile? - No.
- Leroy Smax? - Nuh-uh.
- Danny Hero? - Nada.
- Blood Ninja? - No.
- Yoshiko? - Nah.
- Cyborg? - Nope.
What's his name, the [bleep] monkey kung-fu guy.
- Sorry. - You can't hold a mysterious,
underground martial arts tournament with one guy!
Don't I, like, win by default, or whatever?
Got to do everything myself around here. [phone ringing]
[crowd booing]
- [on phone] Hello? - [chuckling] Leroy Smax.
How's it going, man? It's Yao-zhang.
- Yo, what's up? - Yeah, so we were just having
this whole tournament to prove the best fighting style thing,
- and we were really hoping... - Yeah, sorry, man, I would,
but right now, I'm getting revenge
against the shaolin warrior who killed my brother.
Really? That's what you're actually doing?
You're actually doing that?
Yep, gotta go. [video game fighting grunts]
Well, 'cause I... hello? [dial tone]
God damn it!
[dialing beeps]
[phone ringing] Yello?
Blood Ninja, martial arts tournament on Dragon island.
Waiting for you, buddy. Where are you?
Oh, shit. That was today? I can't.
I'm in Connecticut with my kids. [baby babbling]
[beep] Asshole! Okay, I know I can get Yoshiko to commit.
She's always had, like, a thing for me.
[dialing tones]
Ooh! [panting]
[phone ringing]
Ugh!
[beep]
[crowd booing] Come on, man, he's got to fight somebody, otherwise,
we legally have to refund everyone's admission.
I don't have the money, man.
I spent it all on this [bleep] throne!
Oh, god, I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents.
Wait! Master Yao-zhang, can I borrow your phone?
[cheers and applause]
Hey, did somebody order a pizza?
Ugh!
[grunts] [cheers and applause]
Iron Shogun wins the tournament!
[cheers and applause] [laughs]
Oh, I am sorry, traffic was just...
Ah, come on! I'm, like, five minutes late!
[applause]
Mom, Dad, I found this in your room, and I have a question.
[chuckles] Honey, I think it's time we have
- that birds and bees talk. - Oh, dear lord.
[laugh track] But Dad, I learned
all about the birds and bees and other wildlife
while in the scouts. [laugh track]
- No, sweetie, this is different. - Yes, son.
When a mommy bird and a daddy bee love each other,
they will come together and make a baby.
However, sometimes,
the birds like to stung by the bees for fun.
[laugh track] Other times, the bees like to be choked by the birds.
Sometimes, the bird and bee will switch roles...
[laugh track] where the bee gets stung by a fake stinger that the bird wears.
[laugh track] Then there are times
when the bird wears a mask, where she has to trust the bee
to do things that hurt in the beginning,
but in the end, feel amazing. [laugh track]
Other times, a bee will hook up with another bee,
but it's cool, because it was in a hot tub.
Sometimes, a bird likes to get stung by many
different bees in a row, while she was in college.
Sometimes, the bee goes to Vegas and sleeps with a strange bird.
Then he finds out that the bird has a stinger.
[laugh track] That bee had to kill that bird
- and leave the body outside the city. - Uh-oh.
- Sometimes, the... - Mom? Dad?
Are we still talking about the birds and the bees?
[both chuckle] [laugh track]
[cheers and applause]
Okay, fine, go ahead, tell me.
Okay, here we go, man. So picture this.
All of a sudden, a cute, little unicorn drops in out of the sky
onto this little cliff, and he's standing on the edge, terrified.
The only way out is through this chainsaw pit
with swords and knives and blades swinging all around,
so he sucks it up like a true unicorn man would,
he jumps over the chainsaws, finally makes it to the other side.
Clear out of nowhere comes this Viking son of a bitch,
and kicks him off the cliff, and he falls down into the spikes,
dead meat, guts all over. Poor unicorn.
That is the absolute worst idea ever.
It would never get made. That show would never get made.
[death metal screaming] # The last dead unicorn! #
[grunts] [screams]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~